Hello and welcome to The Healthy Coconut Blog. This blog is dedicated to bringing you information on trauma and trauma healing from a holistic perspective. I’m Gabbie Bodkin, a licensed mental health counselor, and this blog’s author. In this post, I outline some ways to approach supporting loved ones who are suffering. At the start of the new year, most people are focused on bettering themselves. It's common to reflect on the past year and set goals for the new year. However, it's also an opportunity to be supportive of those we care about too. With the new season in mind, I'm straying from my trauma specific content and starting the first blog post of 2024 with this topic on how to be there for others. Have you ever experienced seeing a loved one suffer? Maybe they had one challenge after the other that led to a steady decline in their wellbeing or maybe they went through something traumatic and have been minimizing their need for support. Maybe you tried to be there for them by checking in frequently or initiating plans to distract them from their troubles. You may also have provided advice numerous times to help get them out of the situation or funk they are in. But all too often, there comes a time when you may feel seriously worried about their wellbeing. Then the question is... "What now?" Having the courage to reach out and have a conversation about your concerns can be a powerful tool in helping your loved one improve.
In this post, I'll be discussing:
How to communicate your concerns.
Reasons you may need to set an emotional boundary for yourself and how to set one.
How to respond to "denial feedback".
What to do when there is an immediate safety risk.
How to communicate your concerns:
Communication is key in any relationship, and how we communicate can make or break a situation/relationship. Now, when approaching a loved one with concerns for their wellbeing, there are variations on the best approach depending on the individual in question and the safety risks at stake. Some people may do well with receiving honest concerns and other people may respond negatively and lash out at you even if your concerns are valid and coming from a place of love. So, instead of providing a script so to speak on what to say I'm going to review the things needed for effective confrontation. You can then construct your verbiage on what would work best for the individual you plan to speak to.
Outline details of your concerns. The first thing required for a healthy confrontation is clear information on your concerns. It can be helpful to list out the overall concern and then identify specific indicators that led you to the concern. This is the fuel for the conversation and why you are motivated to bring the concerns to your loved one's attention. For example, details could include how long you've noticed a difference in them, physical, behavioral, or emotional fluctuations, or personal disclosures (i.e. "what's the point."). This helps validate your concern and allows you to have examples and information to share if your loved one asks for examples. It's also important to rate the severity of your concerns. Is your loved one going through mild symptoms and you just want them to know you're there for them? Or are they seeming to experience hopelessness and you are concerned for their safety? Unfortunately, suicide is the 11th leading cause of death in the U.S. and something that can be prevented.
Identify your role. Before initiating the conversation, you must decide how involved you can be in supporting your loved one. Oftentimes, being the support person can be physically and emotionally draining and you must outline what level of care and support you're willing to provide. Ask yourself how much can you be physically or emotionally present in their life. Identify how frequently can you be there for them (i.e. daily, weekly, whenever may be needed, etc.) before having the conversation so you can be clear about your role and provide a boundary for yourself.
Empathy. The next thing that is required is a significant degree of empathy and understanding. While you may not know what your loved one is going through, it's helpful to imagine what it must be like for them and reflect on how you would feel if someone approached you with concerns before saying anything. It's important to recognize they may feel embarrassed or ashamed which is an extremely vulnerable state to be in. If you approach the conversation with love and normalize your loved one's struggles, you can help reduce some of the negative feelings they may be experiencing.
Listening Skills. Once you start the conversation and outline your concerns, you must listen to what your loved one has to say. Show them that you are attentive by listening to what they are saying and observing their body language as well. When you listen well you can reflect to them what they are saying to make sure you're understanding.
Ask what they need. After you have outlined your concerns, and listened to what they have to say, you can ask how you can best show support. Asking what they need shows that you care about them and allows them to gain back a feeling of control.
Reasons you may need to set emotional and physical boundaries:
You are aware of your mental health struggles and know you are close to your limits on how much stress you can handle in your life. The saying, "You can't pour from an empty cup" is applicable when trying to help others.
The mental health struggles of the individual are physically threatening- i.e. they lash out with anger and aggressive behaviors and have a history of taking advantage of you (borrowing money, using material goods- i.e. car/ clothing, etc).
The mental health struggles of the individual impact you too much emotionally. For example, you find yourself sad and hopeless as a result of your empathy and love for this person. The emotions can also impact your ability to do what is needed/ what may help them in the long run (i.e. admit them to an inpatient facility, take away a license or vehicle, etc. )
How to set an emotional or physical boundary:
Outline your boundary- be as specific as possible. First list the measurable goal/role (i.e. "I will commit to weekly check-ins as long as I do not feel my role is impacting my own physical or emotional wellbeing"). Then identify how you will know if the boundary is crossed (i.e. If I am losing sleep, feeling sad more days than not, and cannot ease my worries, I am crossing my boundary).
Identify how to communicate your boundary while being as clear and simple as possible (i.e. "I plan to check in with you weekly to see how you are feeling. If my availability to do this changes (for whatever reason), I will let you know and we can work on a different arrangement.")
Maintain/respect the boundary. It's very easy to push the lever so to speak when it comes to boundaries. It's easy to make excuses for yourself or another person, say you'll try for one more week or provide one more chance, yet this tendency negates having a boundary in the first place.
How to respond to "denial feedback":
Think about any time someone has accused you of something. It could be they accused you of feeling an emotion, doing something wrong, having a poor intention, etc. The natural response when we are being accused is to defend ourselves. This is typically done by pointing a finger back at the accuser or denying the accusation altogether. Someone who is struggling is likely to respond in one of these two ways when being told their loved one is concerned about their wellbeing. When this happens you can,
Take a deep breath. Remember if they are criticizing you, know you can digest and handle the criticism later and the focus right now is helping them. If they are denying their struggles or your need for concern, a deep breath will help you refocus on the details of your concern that you listed out before the conversation. It can help you tap into the empathy you'll need to continue the conversation.
Refrain from arguing. The confrontation must not involve a back-and-forth debate on your loved one's mental health status. It instead requires you to remain assertive and state that you are going to be there to support them.
Validate their feelings without agreeing "everything is fine." If you feel strongly about your concerns and your loved one tries to convince you that they are not in need of support, you can respond by acknowledging you understand they feel fine or don't want or need help and emphasize that you care about them and would like to continue to support them or ask if they are willing to just "try" to get professional help. You can also state that you understand they feel there is no need for concern while normalizing and emphasizing the hard times that they've experienced. You can outline that not many people can go through such experiences and feel "fine" with just their own efforts.
What to do if there are safety concerns:
If you feel your loved one is at risk of harming themselves or another person, it's important to take action. Only health professionals are properly trained to assess safety risks and therefore should be the ones contacted so you are not trying to navigate safety decisions alone.
Ensure your loved one is not left alone. You can make a safety agreement with them individually to ensure they are safe. An example of this is requesting that they text you every morning to let you know they are safe. You can then review with them that if you do not receive a text by a certain time you will call. If they don't answer your calls after 3 attempts you will issue a welfare check. You and your loved one are both clear on the safety procedure you've established and you agree to follow through.n Issue a welfare check. Call your local non-emergency police phone number and state that you would like to issue a welfare check due to safety concerns. List your concerns and a police officer will go to your loved one's home and assess safety.
Call 911. If you feel your loved one is in imminent danger of harming themselves or another person, call 911. Law enforcement can assess for risk and initiate admission to a mental health hospital if the criteria are met.
If you or a loved one is suffering, here are some resources that you can turn to or share with others.
Psychology Today- to find a therapist
Local Support Groups
Crisis hotlines
Thank you all for reading this post. As always, I hope you found this information useful. This information is purely intended to inform, and not to treat. If you are struggling with brain health issues or childhood trauma, speaking to a healthcare professional is recommended to receive a specific plan for treatment and healing based on your individual needs. You can follow along for more posts and psychoeducational tools on trauma and trauma healing from a holistic perspective. You can also check out my website, thehealthycoconut.com, or Instagram the_healthycoconut for more resources or to book a free consultation with me. If you found this blog helpful, please like and subscribe to support these resources.
Safety Disclaimer:
If you find any of this information triggering or do not feel safe being alone with your thoughts, call a support person or call 911 if you feel you are at risk of hurting yourself or others. I’m a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, and I help adults heal from childhood trauma. Follow along for more self-help tools and psychoeducation on trauma and trauma healing.
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