Having the ability to set healthy boundaries is a tool that everyone needs in their physical, emotional, and social survival kit. Setting healthy boundaries can be correlated to a healthy balanced life, self-respect, and interpersonal well-being. For many individuals, setting boundaries is difficult and often people don't know where to start. In this post, I'll define the different types of boundaries, the factors that contribute to boundary competence, and how to implement healthy boundaries in each area of life.
Boundaries are essentially the limits that people set or assert in order to maintain personal comfort.
Individual competence with boundaries varies from person to person. Typically the ability to set healthy boundaries stems from both an individual's sense of identity and values. Boundary-setting skills can also stem from generational modeling. The examples parents and caregivers set with boundaries may translate to their children's ability to set boundaries when they leave the home. For example, if one parent modeled very passive and loose boundaries and the other parent modeled very strict boundaries, a child growing up in this household would most likely establish one of the forms of boundary setting that is more closely related to their own identity. Or, growing up with two adverse examples may set the foundation for confused boundary setting. As an adult, this person may not know when to set strong boundaries and assert themselves or when to be more submissive or passive. They may develop a "yo-yo" boundary response.
The relationship between boundaries and interpersonal relationships and well-being has been studied across several stages of development and life areas. It has been a factor evaluated in the well-being of young children, parent-child relationships, college students, intimate relationships, in the workplace, social interactions, and at home. Individuals with healthy boundaries are more likely to accel in various aspects of life. Healthy boundaries allow for self-respect, healthy communication, an understanding of values, a balanced lifestyle, and healthy relationships.
Here are the 6 main categories of boundaries:
As you read through each boundary category, think about your values and what ones you naturally set or prioritize in your life.
Time Boundaries
Time boundaries orchestrate how you spend your time. They dictate what you agree to, what you say no to, and how much you can put on your schedule. They can contribute to feeling overworked if things are taking too much time or if there are not enough time boundaries in place.
Physical Boundaries
Physical boundaries protect your physical body and space. They can be anything from how much space you're comfortable with between you and another person, what type of physical touch you agree to, the degree of privacy you need to feel safe, etc.
Sexual Boundaries
Sexual boundaries outline characteristics related to intimate interactions. There are many laws related to this type of boundary for protection and the right to consent. If someone is not respecting a sexual boundary, it may be viewed as abuse or harassment. I'll provide tips on how to set boundaries and what to do if a boundary is not respected at the thoughts end of this post.
Emotional Boundaries
Emotional boundaries serve as the protection of emotions. They validate the need to feel and express emotions and set limits on emotional burdens. Understanding your emotional threshold is important for psychological health.
Spiritual Boundaries
Spiritual boundaries protect the right to believe what you want to believe in and practice your beliefs in the way you see fit.
Financial/ Material Boundaries
Financial boundaries consist of maintaining financial resources and materialistic items. This may include calculated spending or budgeting, ensuring appropriate pay in the workplace, safekeeping valuable possessions, and only lending money or goods when appropriate and within your individual boundary.
Non-Negotiable Boundaries
Non-negotiable boundaries can be part of the categories listed above, however, these are extreme limits, particularly in response to safety-physical or emotional.
Now that you have an understanding of the different types of boundaries, we can explore the spectrum of boundary setting. Boundaries can be loose and passive, strict, or healthy. Different situations call for different boundary traits. I'll explain each boundary trait and provide examples of each. It's important to note that while strict boundaries can be viewed as unhealthy in certain circumstances, strict boundaries are also necessary and beneficial in many instances- particularly related to safety.
Passive boundaries are typically seen when an individual is hoping to avoid conflict or confrontation. They may want to set a boundary but do not know how to communicate the boundary or can easily not follow through with a boundary that they did set.
example a: You set a financial boundary for yourself to not eat out for the rest of the month. Then you get a call from your friend who states that they will be in town and that they want to grab a bite out to eat and catch up. You tell your friend that you are excited to see her and you want to meet up and invite her to have dinner at your house instead. Your friend explains that they wanted to try a particular restaurant and that it would be more fun to go out. You then agree to go to dinner but tell yourself that you will buy the cheapest item on the menu.
example b: people describe you as outgoing and open. You meet someone new and within minutes you have already told this person personal information about yourself and feel like you gained a best friend after one encounter. You may have difficulty saying "no" to others and accepting if you are treated poorly. Instead of advocating for yourself, you may twist the behavior to claim that you were at fault.
Rigid boundaries are on the opposite end of the boundary spectrum. These types of boundaries are present when an individual has a great understanding of their values and will do anything necessary to maintain them. Rigid boundaries can be seen as insensitive and may be executed in an aggressive manner. Or they are boundaries that are set and maintained so easily because they relate to safety concerns.
example a: You maintain a private life and avoid developing close relationships. You feel that people can emotionally harm you and you can't fathom being judged or not accepted by others. You feel that keeping people at a distance makes you comfortable and keeps you safe so you will not bend your rules for anyone. If you are invited to attend a social gathering or present at a work training, you will avoid them at all costs.
example b: You just got hired at a new company. You noticed that your boss schedules frequent one-on-one meetings with you. No one else in your department has received the same treatment and you initially guessed that it was because you were new and that this was typical of a new hire. You then started receiving flirtatious and inappropriate messages from your boss. You recognized this as workplace harassment and reported the incident right away. You also gave your employer your notice as you do not tolerate harassment and want to work for a company that is professional and respects their employees.
Healthy boundaries consist of a keen understanding of one's values and the ability to maintain boundaries effectively. Individuals with healthy boundaries communicate effectively with others which translates to advocating for themselves while also respecting the opinions and boundaries of others.
example a: You have set a physical boundary for yourself to not eat processed sugar. It is the holiday season and there are many social gatherings that consist of sweets being offered. You have maintained your boundary by communicating your goal to eliminate sugar intake. Your family and friends make some supportive comments but then keep asking you to bend your rule for the holidays. You explain that you love all the sweet offerings and are happy that everyone can enjoy them. You explain that you are going to stick with your plan and continue to say no to the sweets.
example b: You have a family member that continually brings up their opposing political views. The conversations always escalate and result in you feeling frustrated as the family member will never agree to disagree about political topics. You have outlined that the political conversations are not productive and have asked to eliminate this as a topic of discussion with each other. Your family member continues to bring up the topics so you now outline a new boundary. You tell the family member that you have asked for the discussions to stop and that in order to protect your emotional well-being you will now plan to walk away or discontinue contact with this person as a result of the boundary not being maintained.
Now having a better understanding of boundaries, we can take all of this information and apply it.
Step one is to rank order your values. If something is important to you, it will be easier to maintain a boundary in that category.
Step two is to practice assertive communication. When speaking assertively, you can advocate for yourself while respecting another person's needs, wants, or opinions.
It is very easy to establish passive boundary habits. It's much more difficult to form healthy boundaries and maintain those boundaries. Oftentimes, people will set rigid boundaries or have physical, emotional, and social goals yet they continuously revert back to passive boundaries. This may be due to a deeper identity issue that has yet to be explored. It may be a result of circumstances that took place in childhood, negative self-beliefs, or self-doubt. If this is the case, these factors can be explored individually through self-help tools or can be discussed in a counseling setting with a mental health professional.
If you feel that a boundary has been violated that resulted in a risk to your safety or resulted in actual danger or harm, this is not to ignore. Physical and sexual violence can be reported to help keep yourself and others safe. Please see the resources link at the bottom of this page.
“Rsomethingespect yourself and others will respect you.”
― Confucius, Sayings of Confucius
“One of the greatest regrets in life is being what others would want you to be, rather than being yourself.”
― Shannon L. Alder
“If you want to be respected by others, the great thing is to respect yourself. Only by that, only by self-respect will you compel others to respect you.” ― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Insulted and Humiliated
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
800-799-7233
Sexual assault resource:
1-800-656-4673
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