If we understand that humans are wired for connection, then we can understand how it is that valuing others' opinions or fears of judgment surfaces. In today's culture, there is this constant comparative cycle that happens subconsciously, largely due to social media, cultural norms, etc. Before we can dive into learning how to care less about others' opinions and judgments, we first must understand why we care in the first place.
The need for community and belonging dates back to early civilizations. From an evolutionary perspective, humans that were part of groups had an increased chance at survival- primarily physical survival from predators, enemies, or other natural threats, and not just emotional survival.
In the last few decades, more and more research is released on the human brain and its wiring. "A team of researchers from University College London and Aarhus University in Denmark" illustrated how a part of the reward center called the "ventral striatum" was more active when participants in their study believed they shared the same opinion as others. When individuals in the study were told that their opinion differed from other participants or the "experts" of the study, this part of the brain did not fire. The study further examined that of the group of participants that illustrated activation of the reward center, there were varying degrees of activation. So, not only does the foundation of "likability" or "similarity" matter in relationships, but it also results in a greater reward for some more than others. This leads to the next point of understanding- our inside selves versus our worldview.
We have an internal authentic self and a world view of ourselves. When we are in balance with our internal and external selves, we can recognize what state we're in, what version of self the validation is feeding, and grow both internally and extrinsically. When these separate entities become blurred, and individuals lose sight of their authentic selves, they may believe that the external validation is proving or feeding the internal self, when in actuality, it is not. The internal authentic self is fed by self-love, belief in one's abilities, understanding of one's characteristics and strengths, and understanding that no matter what others tell them or think of them, they know, understand and love themselves. How this can be achieved is a different topic together, but it starts in childhood. It starts by receiving unconditional love. When children don't have to do anything to receive love, they can develop the internal authentic self and accept themselves for who they are, rather than what they say or do.
When people are not connected to their internal self, the reward centers are more vulnerable to outside data. Someone with low self-esteem or a lost internal self may obtain a surge of dopamine when they receive a compliment, thus reinforcing the need for validation and praise. However, that dopamine does not last because their internal self is not evolved or as strong to believe the compliment. In a sense, the outside validation is fleeting and not permanently absorbed.
So, here is how to work on loving and valuing your inner self and caring less about what others think.
Spend some time defining your values and strengths. Ensure these strengths are not things that you have done and are strengths pertaining to who you are (i.e. there are strengths for "being" and strengths for "doing"- being strengths are not conditional while doing strengths mean you are liked or accepted for things you do rather than who you are naturally).
Create meaningful moments that allow you to be in tune with those values or hone in on your strengths.
Write a list of all the things you love about yourself. These are things that you know and you don't need any external "proof" they are true.
Remember that every single person has a different opinion and can cast a different judgment. Other people's views are all personalized to that individual's view of themselves and the world. It is not possible to please everyone and pleasing people does not define who we are as an individual.
If you receive a negative judgment or criticism from others, ask yourself, what would make someone think that? You may realize that their comment was a result of their own issues, or that perhaps you were acting out of character, or that the situation was one in which you have completely different views and it, therefore, makes sense that the judgment or opinion is different. It is then your choice to choose how you want to let the outside perspective influence your inner self. You can choose to discredit it or you can choose to accept it as a differing opinion or choose to believe it. It's important you understand whatever choice or decision you make, you are either rewarding or validating the need for approval and thus injuring your inner self, or standing up for your inner self.
Since the need for community is a vital part of humanistic needs, achieving community on the basis of values, commonality, support, etc. is encouraged. The best communal groups are those in which individuals understand their values, and purpose and have a strong sense of identity which allows the collective group to be more meaningful.
sources:
The Editors of Encyclopaedia Britannica. (2009, April 1). Midbrain | Anatomy & Function. Encyclopedia Britannica. https://www.britannica.com/science/midbrain
NCBI - Neuroanatomy of Reward: A View from the Venral Striatum (n.d.). https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK92777/
O’Callaghan, T. (2010, June 17). The brain science behind why we care what others think. TIME.com. https://healthland.time.com/2010/06/17/the-brain-science-behind-why-we-care-what-others-think/
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