Experiencing shame is a natural part of the human experience. It can stem from feeling blame, humiliation, or being punished for something that was considered "wrong." Fleeting moments of this feeling can serve as a compass to redirect the course of behavior. Ongoing bouts of shame can, on the other hand, result in what is referred to as "toxic shame" or shame that becomes a self-derived feeling of worthlessness or self-loathing. The effects of this strong emotion are often paired with behaviors such as self-sabotaging, perfectionism, procrastination, masking, and low self-esteem. In today's post, I'm going to explain the characteristics and symptoms of toxic shame, reference shame, and trauma, and outline ways to heal from toxic shame.
Thank you for being here and for taking the time to understand yourself or someone you know.
HOW TO SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
You may identify with experiencing the feeling of shame- we all have at some point in our lives. Your next question may be "How do I know if I'm experiencing standard shame versus toxic shame? The answer to this is simple. Toxic shame is constant or continuous. It is always there and typically at a conscious level. If it's at a subconscious level, it can easily resurface in an intense way when triggered.
Toxic shame is often characterized by low self-esteem, high intensity of shame, personalization ("I'm an awful person" vs. "I made an unhealthy choice"), negative self-talk, avoidant behaviors, or ruminating thoughts. The intensity of the shame feeling can be related to environmental or thought-related triggers. Here are some examples:
environmental trigger: You received an evaluation at work and your boss highlighted the areas that need improvement. This reminded you of all the times your dad listed off things you did wrong and made you feel worthless. In that moment you feel the shame from your boss's feedback coupled with the shame that resurfaced from childhood.
thought trigger: You receive the evaluation mentioned above and while you're receiving the feedback, your state in your internal dialogue, "I suck at this, I'm worthless." That thought triggers the time you had that thought in childhood when your dad made you feel worthless from constant criticism and an environment that lacked praise.
SYMPTOMS OF TOXIC SHAME
Symptoms of toxic shame are manifested by the body being in a constant state of stress. When we receive feedback from our environment that we do not like, (i.e. "you're worthless"), our brain can initially try to combat that cue by maintaining resilience and fighting that thought. However, our body remembered how much we didn't like that feedback and then became more susceptible to detecting that threat. So over time, anything that makes us feel "worthless" is exacerbated by intense emotion. This outlook that we develop of ourselves (I'm worthless") and our environment ("the world hates me"), becomes deeply rooted and hard-wired systems in the brain. We call these beliefs of how we view ourselves and the world SCHEMA'S.
These patterns can manifest to cause a range of brain health symptoms including, but not limited to:
low self-esteem
anxiety
depression
disordered eating
substance use
codependency
panic attacks
obsessive-compulsive behavior
suicidal thoughts
TOXIC SHAME AND TRAUMA
More often than not, toxic shame stems from messages that are received in childhood. It may start with parents, continue with teachers or other kids, and translate to developing a skewed perception of self. Many parents use the terms "good" and "bad" when disciplining their children. The overuse of these terms can translate to kids filing their actions and themselves into the categories of "good" or "bad". If a child makes a mistake, it's because they are a child and that is typical. There are so many other healthy responses parents can have instead of "You are being so bad today." Or "That was a bad choice, I'm disappointed."
I plan to create a separate series on parenting education to ensure parents have the tools they need to avoid these traits that lead to emotional damage and long-term effects, but that's for another time.
The point of these examples is to illustrate this researched tendency for parents to discipline in the same way that they were raised. Now, I understand if you've come from a severely abusive household you may say, "I will NEVER parent in that way" because you remember the hurt that stemmed from that parenting style. In this case, immense aversion can help in redirecting the pattern of generational parenting traits. In many cases, however, verbal responses to a child's behavior are often automatic, and there is little thought from the parent on what they are saying or even how it is being received. Most of the time, parents criticize because they believe they are helping to teach their child "right" from "wrong" which does not fit with what is needed nor is it healthy for child development. Instead, positive parenting and teaching with empathy and compassion are key to avoiding toxic outcomes.
Since many parents are unaware or have not received the opportunity to learn these healthy parenting skills, emotional trauma to the child is often a byproduct of their approach. Children begin defining themselves as "good" or "bad" rather than their actions. This is where the distorted view stems from. Rather than a child having the confidence and self-worth to say, "I made an unkind decision when I decided to take Sally's markers without asking", children may say, "I'm a bad kid because I got in trouble for taking Sally's markers without asking." Often times kids may learn that they made a mistake or an unhealthy choice only if they get in trouble, rather than having the internal values and morals to acknowledge the behavior. Over time, perception is skewed and every negative feedback from the environment or themselves makes their negative view of self grow stronger. This translates to an individual experiencing toxic shame in adolescence or in adulthood.
HOW TO HEAL FROM TOXIC SHAME
There are 5 steps that you can take to heal from your toxic shame.
Understand where it comes from
The first step with nearly any brain health issue is understanding the pattern- why it's there in the first place. Think back to the first time you remember feeling ashamed. Try to remember what event transpired. Ask yourself was that event/experience a pattern or type of your environment. For example, did you receive the same feedback from a parent or caregiver, maybe you struggled academically and a teacher treated you poorly to make you feel worthless, or other students, etc. Once you identified that piece to the puzzle, just recognize that as your "why." You can remind yourself that you aren't worthless and that you understand where the shame came from. It wasn't anything you did or didn't do, it was how the people in your life responded to behaviors that could have easily been addressed in a healthy way but were not. You can acknowledge that your brain held onto this belief despite it being not being true. The brain just kept looking for evidence that it was true rather than looking for evidence to challenge that belief.
Tune into your thoughts
Self-dialogue is one of the main ways toxic shame manifests. If you're constantly beating yourself up verbally, acknowledge that you do this. The brain feels safer with familiarity. If you have lived your entire life looking for ridicule and confirming the bias of being "worthless" for example, your brain is more comfortable confirming those hurtful thoughts rather than spending the time and energy looking for or appreciating contrary information or beliefs. So, notice when you're saying something negative about yourself. When you notice the behavior, you're more likely to take the steps to stop the behavior.
Reframe the negative thoughts
Many forms of therapy involve reframing thoughts in some way. It may sound redundant but the saying "you are what you think" has some validity as thoughts drive behavior. Insecure and low self-esteem thoughts will most likely drive avoidant or depressive behaviors. If we replace that thought with a neutral or positive thought, we'll have a more positive outcome through our actions. I will say this is more difficult than it sounds because often if you're experiencing low self-esteem you don't have a lot of compiled evidence of times when you received positive feedback. Remember this isn't because it never happened, but your brain put it in the "trash" pile of information because it didn't fit into your schema. So if you feel you don't have enough evidence to challenge your thoughts, start a running list of any time you feel good or receive positive feedback. This may sound silly but a tangible list either on your phone or written is key here so you can reference this list without spending energy trying to remember these times. Then once you have your list, you'll turn to the list when you're in the process of reframing your thought.
example-
Original thought: "I'm incompetent."
Evidence: "I wrote here that on 4/12 my boss said he was 'impressed' with my work on last month's project."
New thought: "I am competent and can be impressive!"
Practice patience and compassion
If you remember that toxic shame typically stems from childhood, and you're an adult now reading this, that is many many years of information and patterns that you are working to rewire. It does not happen overnight so being patient with yourself is so important and will help when part of you wants to give up the effort. If you notice you give yourself even one compliment in a day, celebrate that. Remember that over time, that can turn into 50 compliments in a day or the self-love that you've always desired.
Compassion involves loving yourself in the midst of it all. Not every day that you're out searching for positive feedback is going to be easy. Some days just are not 100% perfect and that doesn't mean you did anything to create that outcome. Be kind to yourself on the easy days and the hard days.
Speak to a therapist
We are only human and sometimes our struggles go beyond the point of being able to help ourselves. There comes a point where meeting with a professional or gaining support from someone who understands the issue can aid in recovery more quickly. If this article resonated with you, there are many ways you can find a professional to talk to. Psychology Today is one way to search for a therapist in your area. If you have tried therapy before and didn't like it or find value in it, you may have had a poor therapist/client match. Just as in any profession, there are some skilled and extremely credible professionals and some less skilled or credible professionals. Find someone you connect well with and see if that makes a difference. You can also reference a previous blog post I created titled, "How do I know if therapy is right for me?"
As always, thank's for reading this post! You can follow me on Instagram (the_healthycoconut) or continue to check out my blog for more self-help tools. These tools are always meant to be used if you feel safe to do so independently. If thoughts of harming yourself or others surface, call 911 immediately. Or if some of the information that is shared in these blogs becomes triggering, stop reading, and reach out for support. Call a friend or healthcare professional so you are not alone.
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