We are all born into a world without any control on the environment we are born into. We don't get to choose our parents, we don't get to choose where to live, we don't get to choose how we are taken care of, how much we are shown love or affection, etc. If we are born into a loving, safe, and supportive environment, we are going to learn that we can trust our caretakers, receive love and support, and learn through that safe environment how to deal with stress and adversity. If we are born in an unsafe environment, with caregivers who cannot provide the basic necessities, are neglected or abused, we are not going to learn the skills we need to be resilient. Then if that environment turns into another unsafe environment, the resilient skills are still being neglected and if the pattern continues then the surviving mode kicks into gear and resilience does not develop.
Often times the patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors following a traumatic experience are similar. The focus of this post is to define what surviving and thriving mean, what makes some individuals more prone to surviving and others thriving after adversity, and the steps to go from a surviving to a thriving mindset.
The terms surviving and thriving are at opposite ends of the spectrum. Surviving entails doing what is necessary to live. This typically is viewed as someone getting through each day with the bare minimum requirements. Or this could look like someone who has a roller coaster wave of functionality. One day can be seamless, while most days are a struggle. This can include individuals who have difficulty with relationships, are possibly triggered to remember past trauma, or dissociate when situations become difficult.
Thriving is a term used to describe a level of functioning beyond the necessary level. This term is defined as a way of flourishing and growing despite any stressors. There is a level of resilience when someone is in a position of thriving.
When people experience trauma in childhood, their brain is adapting to that adversity at a fragile stage where the brain is not fully developed. The brain does not fully develop until age 25 so when trauma is experienced in childhood, the child's brain adapts to 'survive' the experiences that are too difficult for their young brain to process.
This can be done by:
Storing various stimuli as a threat
Dissociating so they do not feel the pain they are experiencing
write their own narrative as to "why" such adversity is happening to them such as "I'm a bad kid" or "I deserve to be abused." When children experience trauma in childhood, they cannot comprehend why such terrible things are happening. Kids are meant to receive love and care so they can develop trust in their environment and their caretakers. They are meant to interact with the world and learn how to socialize and grow. So, since they aren't receiving those basic things, or they were for some time and it all changed after a traumatic experience, it does not make sense to them. No one deserves trauma to happen to them. We are all born as innocent beings. So, the brain says "I can either stay in all of this pain and grieve the love or support and care that I know I deserve, or I can come up with a reason that makes sense for why this is happening to me. It will still be painful but at least I won't be as sad every day."
Remain in a constant state of fight, flight, or freeze mode to defend themselves in their dangerous situation
All of these responses are defense mechanisms that help them "survive" the trauma. However, because these defenses are happening when the brain is still developing, these responses become fixed and are generalized to situations throughout their lifespan if not properly processed.
So how this may look in adulthood would be:
Being constantly triggered by various stimuli such as facial expressions, tone of voice, smells, objects, places, people that resemble the person that hurt them, time of day, foods, activities, basically, anything that their brain paired with their trauma (please read my previous post on trauma and the brain to better understand this response system. https://www.thehealthycoconut.com/post/trauma-the-brain)
Dissociating when experiencing a stressful situation, when feeling a certain emotion, when neglected in a relationship, etc. Dissociation is detachment from reality and emotions. It's a way of numbing the real-life experience that is taking place. This defense mechanism is common during childhood trauma and dangerous in adulthood because many people don't want to feel numb and will make unsafe choices to attach to reality. This may include thrill-seeking behavior, self-harm, or any addictive type of behavior such as substance use, shopping, binge eating, etc.
Attaching to beliefs from the narrative they told themselves in childhood. Beliefs such as "I'm not a good person," "I deserve to be punished when I make the slightest mistake," "I'm unlovable," "I'm not good enough," "I'm worthless," etc. These beliefs are not true but the adult brain believes these types of statements fully.
Remaining in a stressor state in childhood means that the stressor state will be turned on more easily in adulthood. The central nervous system is impaired due to the inhibited brain development in childhood which results in both emotional and physiological issues in adulthood.
So, in order to reverse this cycle of maladaptive responses to trauma, there are many things that can be done to help move a person from a surviving to a thriving state.
Process the childhood trauma. This is crucial for reducing triggers and releasing the emotional and physiological pain that remains after a traumatic event or complex trauma. This can be done through self-help forms such as a daily practice of journaling or professional help through therapy.
Engage in somatic practices including movement, tapping, grounding, and breathing exercises to become more present in even the most stressful situations. Exposing yourself to the discomfort in a gradual manner will help your brain realize that it does not have to dissociate when stressed. You can do this first by engaging in meditation or setting a timer to think about your trauma for 5 minutes (only if you are in a stable and safe brain place to come out of the trauma bubble without harm). If you practice this you would want to ensure you have a coping skill lined up to utilize when that timer goes off. You could cry, imagine a happy memory, a safe place, or ask someone for a hug. After becoming comfortable in uncomfortable situations, you could then transition to mindfulness practices and somatic practices such as tapping, movement, massages, etc.
Anytime you find yourself telling yourself something negative, ask yourself where that belief came from. If it stemmed from childhood trauma, challenge that belief. If your negative core belief is "I'm unlovable", for example, tell yourself "the person or people who hurt me were not capable of love. There was nothing I did or did not do in my past to deserve to be unloved".
Add self-care and relaxation techniques into your daily routine. Focus on techniques such as belly breathing or meditation to de-stress at the beginning or end of each day so the accumulated stress does not turn into chronic stress.
Prioritize healthy and safe relationships. This can include family relationships, friend relationships, work relationships, or dating relationships. Often when you experience unhealthy relationships in childhood, there is a natural tendency to remain in unhealthy relationships into adulthood. If you are working with a licensed health professional, relationships and attachment can be a focus in your trauma work. If you are not receiving professional support, there are apps to rate your intimate partner relationships or you could do a quick online search to define the characteristics of healthy versus unhealthy relationships. The goal of maintaining healthy relationships is to ensure that you are challenging the narrative from your childhood trauma. If your narrative pertained to unhealthy relationships or unhealthy attachments, it's important to know that you deserve more and that relationships can be healthy.
Ensure you set boundaries and know your limits. This includes knowing your emotional, physical, and psychological limits. Practicing assertive communication can help with maintaining healthy boundaries. If you know that you can only realistically handle 5 minor stressors per day, keep tabs on where you stand and set boundaries with people and the pressure you put on yourself once you are nearing your limit. The closer to the limit you get, the harder it is to cope in a healthy manner.
Ok, so a common question people have is "what makes some people more resilient than others?" There is a lot of research on this topic and the consensus is that there are multiple factors to determine a person's resilience to stress or trauma. Factors include genetics, learned experiences, environmental factors. The piece of the pie for genetics is significantly lower than the other factors. It mostly is something that is learned through the early years. If there is a secure and healthy attachment and the child feels supported, they will more likely be able to overcome obstacles and trauma.
An important thing to remember is that the brain is able to adapt and change. While many of these "surviving" characteristics seem fixed and difficult to change, the brain has the ability to form new connections even after significant trauma.
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