Let us imagine a hypothetical experiment where we took two groups of people and ensured that everything about each group was exactly the same. They had the same socioeconomic status, were parented the same way, went to the same schools, had the same community involvement, and same intellectual, emotional, and cognitive capacities. Let's imagine that half of the group experienced one or more childhood traumas and the other half didn't. These two groups would most likely have completely different paths of development. The group of individuals that experienced the trauma would now have a traumatized brain which means different neural networks were established during and after the trauma. They think about the world, themselves, and specific stimuli differently. Their identity has now evolved to include endless new pathways that skew development and identity.
Common misconceptions:
Many people who experience trauma may go decades without fully processing their trauma. They may think that because they "survived", there is nothing to "dwell" on. The goal is often to move on because "that's life."
Well, unfortunately, we can't just "move on" because trauma is stored inside of us. It's stored in the brain and body and we aren't in control of when the memories or emotions from the trauma will surface. Our individual identity stems from both nature and nurture. Genetics and our environment play a huge role in how we develop into who we are.
Trauma Tree's Analogy:
Imagine for a moment that our brain is like a forest. When we are born, there are a few trees in a vast open land. Imagine that every thought we have about ourselves and the world turns into a seed and is planted in the ground. In addition to these new seeds that were planted, there are also seeds beneath the surface of the ground. These previously planted seeds are the genetic seeds that are part of our DNA. They may be dormant or they may begin to grow if our environmental setting requires the gene to be switched on. For example, if we have a family history of a serious mental health condition and we experience significant stressors, that condition may surface in us.
The newly planted seeds that are "repeat" thoughts or ones that are reinforced over and over again are going to grow into trees. The trees grow stronger from the roots up every time the thoughts are reinforced. We can imagine kind thoughts to be flourishing trees, and we can imagine unkind thoughts to be trees with bacteria or diseases that can infect the other trees. When we think about trauma in relation to identity it is the interpretation of the thoughts after the trauma that grow into toxic trees if they are negative or untrue thoughts. This is often the case following trauma because there is rarely any closure or a positive explanation of trauma after the traumatic experience(s). So, the brain fills in the blanks with negative thoughts.
Here's a brief example:
If your trauma includes being ridiculed by a parent, a seed was planted for each insult that was made. If a parent called you "lazy" or "stupid" or stated that "you could have done better", a seed was planted and that seed grew into a toxic tree every time you felt lazy, stupid, or like an underachiever. Then let us imagine that a teacher or a coach used similar descriptors. The tree grew taller and stronger. Now with those deeply rooted belief systems, your identity is completely skewed. You will most likely continue to make choices that fit within those descriptors because every time you feel motivated, smart, and capable, your brain says "no you're not...remember all the times you were told otherwise. This cycle is what keeps people from reaching their true potential and feeling confident in their identity. The sense of self is both confused and conflicted.
Now that you understand how trauma influences identity, you can work on the identity search.
5 Steps to finding your identity after trauma:
Please note that trauma work is intense and therefore it is best practice to meet with a licensed therapist in order to process the trauma safely. Only read and work on these steps if you feel safe to do so.
1. Think about the characteristics you possessed before the trauma. If your trauma occurred during infancy or young childhood and you cannot remember life before, that's ok. Instead, you can think of the characteristics that you feel best to describe you. Now try to differentiate between the characteristics that you believe to be part of your core self. These characteristics often do not change with environmental factors. The other characteristics are the ones that ebb and flow throughout the lifespan.
2. If you feel safe and stable enough to name your trauma, name it. When you name your trauma, make sure you name it in a way that is objective and free from judgment. For example, "When I was ___ years old, I experienced _____."
3. Now list the ways you believe you were impacted by the trauma. Identify the different "toxic trees" that have interfered with your development. Once you are aware of the toxic trees, you can easily name them when they are present and challenge them so you can eventually get rid of the toxic trees and plant a healthy tree instead. Every time you identify a toxic tree, challenge that thought. If your toxic tree thought is, "The abuse was my fault," come up with all the reasons you know it was not your fault and build yourself up like you would a best friend.
4. Identify your values. Write a list of all the things you truly care about. You can ask yourself each day if the choices you are making are in line with those values.
5. Keep practicing. Trauma healing and identity searching does not happen overnight. It takes time to feel confident in your identity. Time with yourself, in relationships, when you're placed at a crossroads, and time to practice kind thoughts.
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