Attachment is defined as the degree of closeness in relationships based on how people relate to others. Attachment is first established in childhood and is a direct response to how a child is cared for by their primary caregiver(s).
Lifespan development starts at conception and ends at death. Throughout development, there are "critical windows" or periods of time where certain skills or functions are expected to develop. We have critical windows for motor movements, language, social skills, learning, and more. The foundation of our ability to form attachment is established during the first two years of life. Our attachment style is directly connected to how we were cared for as an infant into our toddler years. The family system that we are born into varies greatly from person to person. Some individuals are born into two-parent family systems, some are born into single-parent families, some individuals are born into foster care, some may be living with other relatives, etc. Despite what the constellation looks like, it's imperative that in the family system there is at least one healthy caretaker in order to develop a healthy attachment.
There are two factors that contribute to overall attachment styles. The first is oxytocin and the second is trust.
Oxytocin is referred to as the "bonding chemical" or "love hormone" that is released in the brain during various critical periods throughout the lifespan. It is released during caretaker-infant interaction, when females are in labor or breastfeeding, during intimate interactions, during physical signs of affection, throughout trusting relationships, and through various skin stimulation (i.e. warm temperatures, massages, etc).
From the moment we are born, our brain is consuming information from our environment, and forming neurological connections. When we receive more love and care during the critical window of attachment, our brain secretes more oxytocin. The more oxytocin that is secreted consistently, the more oxytocin receptors that our brain creates which produces the ability to both give and receive love and form healthy patterns of attachment.
Because our brain was accustomed to a certain percentage of oxytocin during that critical window, it is now the baseline for future relationships on what is needed to fill our oxytocin cup, so to speak. How this oxytocin is established during the first two years can be through getting fed, skin-to-skin contact with a caregiver, eye contact between the caregiver and the baby, being held, having a caregiver respond to a cry, having a caregiver that is emotionally and physically present, etc. If an adequate amount of love and care is not received, then there will be a shortage of oxytocin being released in the child's brain, thus forming insecure attachment styles.
When a child during this critical window is consistently cared for and shown love, the child can trust their caretaker and develop a healthy attachment. Since this critical window is before a child can speak in full sentences and properly communicate, they have to rely completely on their caretakers to get their needs met. If the needs are not met, mistrust, suspicion, and anxiety may develop. These feelings of uncertainty set the foundation for an unhealthy attachment style.
The theories of attachment were developed over a span of several decades and researchers continue to be fascinated by the lifelong systems of attachment. The first psychologist to study attachment was John Bowlby. He produced a theory on the development of attachment and stressed the importance of secure attachment in childhood. He emphasized that humans have an innate need to attach to others and that insecure attachment styles produced negative outcomes throughout the lifespan. After decades of research, John Bowlby was accompanied by another psychologist, Mary Ainsworth. She conducted a groundbreaking study on attachment in the 1980s called "The Strange Situation Test." Her experiments led to the development of attachment style. She basically studied the interactions between mothers and their young children in a controlled environment. She studied how the mother and child interacted when they were together in a room, how the child acted when a "stranger ( part of the experiment) entered the room, how the child responded when the mother left the room, and again how the child responded to the mother re-entering the room after she had left. Through this study, she developed four different types of attachment styles.
Secure Attachment
This attachment style develops when a caregiver provides love, support, reassurance and care. For this attachment style to develop, the caregiver must meet the child's basic needs and provide love and support. Adults that produce secure attachments in their children are typically in touch with their own emotions and behaviors and emotionally available to their children. This type of love allows for oxytocin and trust to develop. In adulthood, someone with a secure attachment style is able to form secure and loving relationships with others. They can trust others and be trusted. They can love and receive love, they can develop deep and meaningful relationships without fear of intimacy or abandonment, and can spend time alone while in secure relationships.
Anxious Attachment (also referred to as preoccupied or anxious ambivalent)
The primary characteristic of this attachment style is fear of abandonment. This attachment style is developed when a caregiver is inconsistent in providing love, support, and the ability to get a child's needs met. A parent may be able to provide love and care on some days and neglect the child's needs on other days. This inconsistency results in the child feeling anxious. The child may be inconsolable, emotionally reactive, and have difficulty identifying or coping with emotions. Adults who grew up with this attachment style, may develop maladaptive behaviors, enter into "conditional" relationships, and be fearful of abandonment. Adults with this type of attachment style may be referred to as "clingy," have a poor sense of boundaries, and low self-esteem, and may put others' needs above their own due to fear of rejection. Individuals with this attachment style crave intimacy and love, yet are fearful that if they receive any type of support, it will not last.
Avoidant Attachment (also referred to as dismissive or anxious avoidant)
This attachment style is marked by caregivers neglecting the needs of their children. Caregivers that produce children with this attachment may have left the child alone, expected the child to be independent, rejected love and support when the child gestured a need for love and comfort, or ignored the needs of the child completely or offered minimal care.
Children with this attachment style are not able to receive adequate levels of oxytocin or trust for others and therefore become distant. Individuals with this attachment style had to learn how to self-soothe and become independent. Children may avoid physical touch, avoid eye contact, lack empathy, and feel uncomfortable when others show emotion.
Adults with this attachment style may avoid intimacy, and feel uncomfortable expressing feelings or being around others who are showing emotion. They may have a difficult time trusting others and are generally independent and isolate themselves from others. They often do not feel the need to be close with others and do not feel that anyone has their best interest at heart.
Fearful Avoidant/Disorganized Attachment
This attachment style is a combination of the anxious and avoidant attachment styles. Children who develop this attachment style may have experienced abuse by their caregivers, had emotionally needy caregivers, or were unable to trust their caregivers.
With this attachment style, the child perceives their environment to be unsafe. They also are often confused by how they are treated which results in longing for love and closeness to others while simultaneously feeling fearful of others. As adults, individuals with a fearful avoidant attachment style may be fearful of rejection, feelings of anxiety related to relationships, contradictory behaviors, difficulty regulating emotions, and difficulty assessing who to trust.
While these attachment styles are engrained in the brain through development, the brain has the ability to adapt and form new neural connections through experiences. If an individual develops a secure attachment in childhood, but then enters into an abusive intimate relationship in adolescence or adulthood, their attachment style may change to an insecure attachment style. That unhealthy relationship may in turn result in a pattern of continued unhealthy relationships which can be typical for a variety of reasons that I'll have to cover in another post. This same change can be said for the opposite attachment styles. If an individual has an insecure attachment style with their caregiver(s) in childhood and then establishes healthy relationships at a later point, their brain may become rewired to establish a secure attachment style. This can include situations such as a child in a neglectful home becoming adopted into a loving home, or a child who was abused having a supportive teacher or mentor that helped them establish healthy relationship patterns outside of the home.
If you did not receive the love and care that you needed as a child, there are important steps you can take to heal from these early life experiences.
How to Establish Secure Attachment in Adulthood
1) Identify your attachment style.
2) Understand your attachment style is not a reflection of anything personal. There was nothing you could have done differently as you were under two years old when your attachment style was developed. Many parents are not aware of how their behaviors and emotional availability impact children.
3) Recognize the patterns of your attachment style so you can be mindful in your day and recognize how your attachment style may be influencing your perceptions of people or situations. Once you recognize these signs, you can then take a moment to control your thoughts, develop compassion for yourself, and make healthy choices.
4) Establish healing practices. If you feel emotional pain or have identified patterns in your past or current relationships that are unhealthy, there are many things you can do to heal from these wounds. You can journal, meditate, exercise, focus on mindful and meaningful relationships, engage in therapy, etc.
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